Post by dragonforgotten on Dec 14, 2021 21:56:30 GMT -5
“What the hell happen here?” Asks Nylen, flying in on his glass griffin.
“Oh. You know. Insanity and near death experience, exploding monster and now we’re resting with the guts of the thing spread across the fields. Want to join in.” He does. He’s learned to just accept that the moment he is gone we devolve into insanity and death. The next day after healing we walk the forest trail only to hit a dead end and be forced to turn around. We ran into some weird giant spiders that kept on disappearing and reappearing like yours truly. The twins net turns out to be bad for snagging evasive spiders. Deeper into the lands we find a group of strange mounds in which Hans is attacked by what I thought was one of those giant fire centipedes but it wasn’t. It insnares Hans and then wraps him up in some strange transparent sticky wrappings. No matter how hard he struggles the wrapping just bends and stretches but doesn’t break. Whoa. Hans is a strange man. For him not to break free is a new one. Aevlin and Nylen cut the beast down eventually regardless. I should have grabbed some of that substance while I had the chance but it wasn’t on my mind then. I was just glade the monster was dead. That s*** could have had some uses once I got back home.
We search for any dens or dwelling for some giant tape monster but I’m coming up dry here. I’m starting to think perhaps it’s further ahead when I hear a voice. One I don’t recognize. We all find Aevlins servant Henchie holding a unfamiliar sword…. Ands it’s talking. C***.
It’s name is Laporv, it’s looking for it’s welder…. The twins… the men we just murder for their murderous stupidity. S***…. Now what?
“Say… how would you feel if… say. Your master had a… accident. Per say?”
“Why I would fly into a unstoppable rage.”
“Oh. Great…” I vanish and stay hidden. As the conversation drifts to Nylen flying the sword back to the twins house Henchie snaps and spills the beans, driving the sword into the ground as he sword curses us out and glows impotently in the ground.
“Gents, lady’s. Please pick me back up. One of noble bearing please.
I reappear.
“Pass. I got Lyon and better sword.”
“Oh do not flatter one self. I would not bear to be grasped by your grubby hands.” I can hear the smug from here.
“We should bury the thing back into the ground-“
Aevlin picks it up. She screams in pain and then goes ridged. A wild look across across her face. She holds the sword aloft.
“Snicker snack! Snicker snack!! I’ll chop off your heads for you can’t bring me back!”
Oh s*** her we go! I vanish just as she lunges at Hans. The cold sweat that breaks over me as she drops him like a sack of potatoes. Another inch closer to her and he would have lost his head as I hear the faint but familiar humm of a vorpal blade coming from the haughty sword. None of us can stop her. She’s already unstoppable and it will be a risk to rush her. There’s only one person who can. Nylen steps forward and we wait as the Titans of our group clash blades. The jittery terror of being forced to watch him hurt Aevlin is hard to stomach. I focus my intent on the sword. Hoping the heat would force it from her hands. I’m begging for her to let go, my hands shaking. The longer she holds onto the sword the higher the risk of deeply burning her hands.
“Don’t make me do this Aevlin!” Shout. She doesn’t respond, Nylen is getting the upper hand. In the end I relinquish my concentration in the sword. I can’t do it. I can’t maim her like this.
In the end Nylen is the one who takes her out and the crazy sword ends up in the portable hole rather then back a pile of s****.
Not sure how to leave this hellscape of a land we continue on our exploration. We came upon a werid dust storm but the moment we try to get closer we are stopped by a invisible wall. This then led us to the egg. That bloody egg.
Sitting atop a 50ft wall is a egg with a human face and tiny arms and legs, dressed garishly. He snears at us and starts trying to get a ride out of us but it doesn’t work. We’ve heard it all at this point and it’s more a threat to himself. Big talk for someone dangerously close to the ledge. He’s unhelpful in telling us how to get past the invisible wall but he tells us a tantalizing secret. Apparently he can get us beyond his wall. All we have to do is read the symbol on the space below him and it will teleport us across but we all must read it together. He’s so full of sh** but the worming anxiety that I could be wrong and stranded in this land finds me reading with the rest. Then it all goes to s***t.
We begin yelling at each other. I’m suddenly throwing a turret of insults. Digging deep every insecurity my close friends have and twisting the knife painfully to each person.
I tell Hans he’s a disgrace to his church, Kynigos the twice failed student that he had to pick up two trades to make up his failures, Horace that he was smarter as the bear, Henchie the unperson. Aevlin glares and closes the distance with me and grabbing the hem of my armor.
“Hey! That’s low even for you half breed“
Nylen throws my way. Eyes wild a snap and instantly have pulled away from Aevlin.
“Say that again! Say that again!” I’m in his face snarling and spitting.
“And what if you!? I’m sick of your arrogance! If Your people are so great then how come your village died! Where the firk! ding! blast! are they now nylen? Why the f*** couldn’t you save them? I may be weak but I always stood by my family. What if you!?”
Everyone snaps. Nylen attacks me but just manages to graze me as I cackle!
“Was that suppose to tickle you b*****d!”
I strike back. Everyone has broken off into separate brawls, some teaming up with others. I’m on my own. It hurts she doesn’t team up with me but fine! I don’t need anyone! The majority seem to be pissed of with Nylen anyway. I lung at Nylen, failing to put a dent in this unstoppable monster and his smug face. I swing the vorpal blade, hearing it snicker and snack as it fails to cut open his stomach. He practically dances away from me. Despite his rage he’s still holding back. I will not be mocked! Fight me! Fight me you coward-!
I fall to my side knocking the wind out of me as Nylen knocks me off my feet. I struggle to get up again but fall over again. Why can’t I get up? And then I find out why. My left leg is gone…
My f***king leg gone! No! No! Please!
The blinding rage is washes away by horror. I can’t be! I’m worthless! Bring it back! Please put it back… It can’t end like this! I can’t..! Please not like this!
I feel the fight leave me as a the world greys around me.
“You b****d!!” Aevlin launches her self at Nylen and begins to cut him to ribbons. For once I see Nylen hesitate. He swings at he misses. He misses over and over again, the fight gone out of him. He gets some good cuts in but Aevlin assaults him relentlessly. She does care… I’m sorry…
……
….
“He’s coming around.”
“So is she. For the love of Kord Aevlin why did you faint. You cut peoples limbs off all the time.”
I come back to awareness. My leg hurts. Thank god it was just a dream. Sitting up I’m reminded that this was indeed not a dream as I’m sitting in a pool of my blood, leg reattached with my pant leg reminding me of my mutilation. That’s not possible. He… unless. Looking down at my hand And find the ring of anything now on my hand.
I think I’m going to be sick. I don’t have to the time to think about it as Aevlin tackles me into a hug.
“Thank god! Im so sorry! I nearly lost you over a stupid egg!” I hug her back tight, my heart hammering in my chest. I glance over at Nylen. I owe that man far too much but I need to say this first.
Aevlin helps me stand and I reach a hand out to Nylen.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t myself but that was uncalled for.”
He huffs but smiles clasping my hand.
“I can’t believe you cut my leg with a dagger.” I shake my head with disbelief.
“It’s a sharp one.”
“But still a dagger.”
“I’d say this is a bit of karma, considering Oceanus.”
“Ah ya. I guess.” I don’t want to talk about almost becoming a amputee like the sea elf. In hindsight he sacrifice a lot to restore my leg..
Then I remember.
“What happened to the egg.”
I points and I see the mess on the ground and the cluster of smaller eggs around it. Everyone starts grabbing them when suddenly a army of giants riding giant Rinos start charging in around us.
“Put back the peices of his eggescenes! We are the kings men and shall put sir humpty together again!”
That’s it. I’m done. Me and Aevlin start walking away as the rest follow. Horace then pauses and to horror horror throws a bolt of lightening at the giant. I’m expecting this to turn bad but instead the way the bolt hit rings odd. There is no singeing or screams of pain. It becomes apparent that Horace has discovered a elaborate illusion. With that settled I’m still set on just leaving this area before anything else happens. Then there’s Kynigos. He begins cracking open the eggs as Aevlin picks one up. Suddenly on his second egg a bust of greenish gas pours out form it and we are left reeling and choking. When the cloud clears the still form of Henchie is revealed.
“Nooo!!” Aevlin screams and Hans casts hold person as Kynigos reaches for another egg. He’s stopped, the chaos ending and I’m tempted to kick him for what he’s caused. She did not deserve to die so soon. Nylen saw a cabin ahead. Best we can do is try and cross the massive chest board to reach that cottage so she can recover from her revival.
——-
Carrying a corpse around isn’t fun. Especially when it comes to trying to battle your way across a massive magic chest board. Cutting our way through lion woman, inbred orc dwarf soldiers, and giant downward tusked elephants. We cut through them and get out no problem but almost leave Henchie corpse behind in the weird magic shuffle happening on the board. We’re so close to the house. For the love of gods please be unoccupied. Walking through the garden it’s monsteriously over grown with massive flower. The flowers are also dicks. As we walk by they begin to speak and start to goad us into violence. We’ve learned this lesson already and promptly ignore them. Im tempted to pluck the gems out of there eyes and rip those colorful gold lined petals off there stems but I was not born yesterday and this place just seems to exist to kill or vex me so I abstain. but we’ve lingered too long in the garden. The flowers start screaming for the bees. Oh god the bees. It started off as one quickly zapped by Horace before we’re stopped by ants with a painful stinging bit. Seems like the pods are still good but then more show up. Then more, then more. Suddenly we have a army attacking us from both the air and the ground and two people have already dropped to the ground. Well s***! I hope that house is bloody close now! I end up expanding, quacking people up and hauling a*** out of there. I snap to my regular size as we reach the door, we all fumble to open the door till Nylen grabs ahold of the door knob and throws ourselves inside. The door slams shirt and cuts off the sound of the angry buzzing and snapping of mandibles. We wait in suspense. Praying that they will go the f*** away. They don’t but when the door isn’t knocked off its hinges and I’m not gored by stingers or torn limb by limbs by giant ants I think it’s safe to say we are safe. Trapped but safe. Now what the hell do we have on our hands here-…. Whoa. The house isn’t what I was expecting. There’s strange metal things on the wall topped with transparent balls that produce light. Crystals? The next room is even more outlandish and weird. There’s stuffed dead animals all over the place in this room, dead bugs behind glass. Thankfully there’s a couch. No beds yet but a couch is getting there. We toss every unconscious person ontop of it. That leaves us with Aevlin, Hans, Horace and Nylen. Well four out of six is good enough. My eyes wonder back to crystal metal thing. Ok I have to have the crystal. I reach for the crystal but it does not move from
It’s metal trap. I pull to no success. Suddenly it’s breaks in my hand and I Yelp pulling the broken fragments of not crystal but sh** glass out of my hand.
“Jaris stop breaking s**!”
“Ya like I f***king like having gos se in my hands right!” I sass Hans back between curses.
We continue exploring till we find a room with draws with got some very nice silver dinner wear. I’ll keep tabs on that s***. Can’t not have nice table wear.
I open a strange metal chest but only find weird rakes suspended in the middle of it.
The next weird object is a tall box radiating cold. I check it for traps but nothing seems threatening besides the omnious cold. My hands shake from anxiety as I open it the light blinds my eyes. I jump to the floor expecting to be blasted by frost and ice but nothing happened. When I crawl back up I find it only has food inside it. Trapped inside strange containers. There’s eggs stuck to the door of the box. Aevlin lifts one of the containers and screams as she drops it on the floor. Revealing a small circular green jingling green
“It’s a gellantenious cube!” She screaming drawing the flaming bastard sword. We all stab at it till it starts to lose it shape but the slices of oranges are still there. Besides that but of interest we next discover a strange room with basins and soaps. Hans is fascinated by one basin that magically fills with water but when you tug on a chain the water goes down into the hole in the middle and magically refills. He proceeds to wash some of his clothes in it before we move on. We find the house owners office. We find a note on the desk apologizing to us that he is out and missed any guests. Turns out it belongs to this Mylind guy and he’s ok with random people entering his house as long as we don’t eat him out of house and home and we take care of the plants and pets. I think the plants could use less care if you ask me. Horace thinks he’s a wizard. Would make sense. Only a wizard could be such a hoarder. You can tell a lot about a man by the stuff he surrounds himself with. I’m alittle nervous with how casually he brings up zygagys and other important names up. We may be dealing with someone far above our pay. To the lower levels of the house we go next. The basement has a strange electrical elemental thing trapped besides a invisible magic wall. We can pratically feel the energy coming off it and try to keep or distance while Horace gets closer. He gets zapped. The next room got strange s*** going on. Pickled and bottled monster parts line the shelves as strange otherworldly devices dot the room. The last room is Aevlins favoriet. We found the wine cellar and there’s actually good vintages here. She’s desperately searching for bottles. I manage to find one but she pounces on it before the words leave my lips. She’s completely wasted by the end of this endeavor.
“Aevlin ,love. It’s time to go up stairs.”
“I’mma fine! Q-quit telling me what to do.”
“I know. Up you go.” I heft her up and let her lean heavily on my as we go back up stairs and up again. Then we find the bed. I try to lead her to the bed but she’s determined. She wants to kick a*** even though she barely looking straight. There’s only one place left to look. The attic. I open the trap door and nearly get killed by the latter coming from it.
I was going to search alone but everyone wanted to come and I can’t talk Aevlin into resting. Hans gone to collect the infirmed on the couch. It turns out I’m extremely lucky that they came with me. The moment I start touching things a ghost materializes.
“You don’t belong here! Get out!” She shrieks, the sound nearly crippling us as a wave of weakness washes over us. We all attack but none of my blades can cut her.
“Well. S***. Time for plan B!” I hold aloft the amulet. It does Jack s***.
“Well we’re f***ed!”
“I’ll get help! Hans!” Aevlin slurs and screams before falling through the trap door. I peer down making sure she’s ok and see her sprawled on the ground thrashing about like a baby deer.
“Haaaaans! There’s a ghost!!! And I think my leg is on backwards!!”
My wife. Still as sexy and insightful as ever. Love her dearly. Shes defiantly going to feel that tomorrow.
I follow after her as Nylen holds off the ghost. By the time we’ve all gotten our gos se in order Nylen has reslained the spook. We find awesome s*** but we call it a day and head to bed. I crawl into bed with Aevlin and immediately she’s already taken over the entire bed, leaving me precariously on the edge. It’s unsurprising when I wake up on the floor in the morning. She’s a mess. The hangover killing her. With the in the fridge I try out a new hangover cure for her. Eggs and pepper sauce.
A tragedy occurred while we were splitting the loot. Horace and backstabbing Kynigos were testing the new wand and Horace accidentally destoryed every magic item Kynigos possessed. Including the manta cloak. I will mourn you my cloak but with you gone now we can finally put the baggage away. He comes crawling back and I offer a deal. I’ll give him a protection ring if he stays the f** out of my bussiness. He takes it and I’ll hold him to it that he keeps it. We spend the rest of the days in the house reoccperating and waiting for Henchie to return to normal again after her resurrection. We shouldn’t have been surprised when the house owner finally returns to his house to find us all playing black Jack at his kitchen table.
“What are you all doing here?!”
“Well we were tired so we-“
“Not that! Your all suppose to be in stridge! Who the blood hells is that.”
“That’s Henchie!” Aevlin tells him.
“No no! This is all wrong! She doesn’t have a history! A real name! Family! And you are all suppose to be in There and not here!”
“Hey we didn’t ask to be here. If you want answers ask The councils of hypocrites.”
“No matter. No matter. I’ll set everything right this instance.”
“Wait what-“
And we’re gone.
I’m suddenly sitting with everyone at a table. In a tavern. In greyhawk again. No Henchie. Aevlins starting to panick and I have to walk her through breathing till suddenly the tavern door chimes. No wait she’s here. She comes through the door with a man behind her.
“Henchie! Your alive!”
“Of course I’m alive lady Aevlin! And my names Loretta!”
“Your names not Loretta! When was it ever Loretta?”
“Oh no you must be drunk again. Surely you remember my brother here.”
I’m lost. Completely confused. Nothing makes sense anymore. The walking contradiction continues speaking.
“Anyway my brother has a message for you.”
The man is then possessed by a wizard or something and informs us of our next quest. When the message is done we all sit there in dumb silence. I stand up, staggering to the bar keep, holding the table for dear life.
“Bar keep! Get me the strongest s*** you have now!”
Jaris
“Oh. You know. Insanity and near death experience, exploding monster and now we’re resting with the guts of the thing spread across the fields. Want to join in.” He does. He’s learned to just accept that the moment he is gone we devolve into insanity and death. The next day after healing we walk the forest trail only to hit a dead end and be forced to turn around. We ran into some weird giant spiders that kept on disappearing and reappearing like yours truly. The twins net turns out to be bad for snagging evasive spiders. Deeper into the lands we find a group of strange mounds in which Hans is attacked by what I thought was one of those giant fire centipedes but it wasn’t. It insnares Hans and then wraps him up in some strange transparent sticky wrappings. No matter how hard he struggles the wrapping just bends and stretches but doesn’t break. Whoa. Hans is a strange man. For him not to break free is a new one. Aevlin and Nylen cut the beast down eventually regardless. I should have grabbed some of that substance while I had the chance but it wasn’t on my mind then. I was just glade the monster was dead. That s*** could have had some uses once I got back home.
We search for any dens or dwelling for some giant tape monster but I’m coming up dry here. I’m starting to think perhaps it’s further ahead when I hear a voice. One I don’t recognize. We all find Aevlins servant Henchie holding a unfamiliar sword…. Ands it’s talking. C***.
It’s name is Laporv, it’s looking for it’s welder…. The twins… the men we just murder for their murderous stupidity. S***…. Now what?
“Say… how would you feel if… say. Your master had a… accident. Per say?”
“Why I would fly into a unstoppable rage.”
“Oh. Great…” I vanish and stay hidden. As the conversation drifts to Nylen flying the sword back to the twins house Henchie snaps and spills the beans, driving the sword into the ground as he sword curses us out and glows impotently in the ground.
“Gents, lady’s. Please pick me back up. One of noble bearing please.
I reappear.
“Pass. I got Lyon and better sword.”
“Oh do not flatter one self. I would not bear to be grasped by your grubby hands.” I can hear the smug from here.
“We should bury the thing back into the ground-“
Aevlin picks it up. She screams in pain and then goes ridged. A wild look across across her face. She holds the sword aloft.
“Snicker snack! Snicker snack!! I’ll chop off your heads for you can’t bring me back!”
Oh s*** her we go! I vanish just as she lunges at Hans. The cold sweat that breaks over me as she drops him like a sack of potatoes. Another inch closer to her and he would have lost his head as I hear the faint but familiar humm of a vorpal blade coming from the haughty sword. None of us can stop her. She’s already unstoppable and it will be a risk to rush her. There’s only one person who can. Nylen steps forward and we wait as the Titans of our group clash blades. The jittery terror of being forced to watch him hurt Aevlin is hard to stomach. I focus my intent on the sword. Hoping the heat would force it from her hands. I’m begging for her to let go, my hands shaking. The longer she holds onto the sword the higher the risk of deeply burning her hands.
“Don’t make me do this Aevlin!” Shout. She doesn’t respond, Nylen is getting the upper hand. In the end I relinquish my concentration in the sword. I can’t do it. I can’t maim her like this.
In the end Nylen is the one who takes her out and the crazy sword ends up in the portable hole rather then back a pile of s****.
Not sure how to leave this hellscape of a land we continue on our exploration. We came upon a werid dust storm but the moment we try to get closer we are stopped by a invisible wall. This then led us to the egg. That bloody egg.
Sitting atop a 50ft wall is a egg with a human face and tiny arms and legs, dressed garishly. He snears at us and starts trying to get a ride out of us but it doesn’t work. We’ve heard it all at this point and it’s more a threat to himself. Big talk for someone dangerously close to the ledge. He’s unhelpful in telling us how to get past the invisible wall but he tells us a tantalizing secret. Apparently he can get us beyond his wall. All we have to do is read the symbol on the space below him and it will teleport us across but we all must read it together. He’s so full of sh** but the worming anxiety that I could be wrong and stranded in this land finds me reading with the rest. Then it all goes to s***t.
We begin yelling at each other. I’m suddenly throwing a turret of insults. Digging deep every insecurity my close friends have and twisting the knife painfully to each person.
I tell Hans he’s a disgrace to his church, Kynigos the twice failed student that he had to pick up two trades to make up his failures, Horace that he was smarter as the bear, Henchie the unperson. Aevlin glares and closes the distance with me and grabbing the hem of my armor.
“Hey! That’s low even for you half breed“
Nylen throws my way. Eyes wild a snap and instantly have pulled away from Aevlin.
“Say that again! Say that again!” I’m in his face snarling and spitting.
“And what if you!? I’m sick of your arrogance! If Your people are so great then how come your village died! Where the firk! ding! blast! are they now nylen? Why the f*** couldn’t you save them? I may be weak but I always stood by my family. What if you!?”
Everyone snaps. Nylen attacks me but just manages to graze me as I cackle!
“Was that suppose to tickle you b*****d!”
I strike back. Everyone has broken off into separate brawls, some teaming up with others. I’m on my own. It hurts she doesn’t team up with me but fine! I don’t need anyone! The majority seem to be pissed of with Nylen anyway. I lung at Nylen, failing to put a dent in this unstoppable monster and his smug face. I swing the vorpal blade, hearing it snicker and snack as it fails to cut open his stomach. He practically dances away from me. Despite his rage he’s still holding back. I will not be mocked! Fight me! Fight me you coward-!
I fall to my side knocking the wind out of me as Nylen knocks me off my feet. I struggle to get up again but fall over again. Why can’t I get up? And then I find out why. My left leg is gone…
My f***king leg gone! No! No! Please!
The blinding rage is washes away by horror. I can’t be! I’m worthless! Bring it back! Please put it back… It can’t end like this! I can’t..! Please not like this!
I feel the fight leave me as a the world greys around me.
“You b****d!!” Aevlin launches her self at Nylen and begins to cut him to ribbons. For once I see Nylen hesitate. He swings at he misses. He misses over and over again, the fight gone out of him. He gets some good cuts in but Aevlin assaults him relentlessly. She does care… I’m sorry…
……
….
“He’s coming around.”
“So is she. For the love of Kord Aevlin why did you faint. You cut peoples limbs off all the time.”
I come back to awareness. My leg hurts. Thank god it was just a dream. Sitting up I’m reminded that this was indeed not a dream as I’m sitting in a pool of my blood, leg reattached with my pant leg reminding me of my mutilation. That’s not possible. He… unless. Looking down at my hand And find the ring of anything now on my hand.
I think I’m going to be sick. I don’t have to the time to think about it as Aevlin tackles me into a hug.
“Thank god! Im so sorry! I nearly lost you over a stupid egg!” I hug her back tight, my heart hammering in my chest. I glance over at Nylen. I owe that man far too much but I need to say this first.
Aevlin helps me stand and I reach a hand out to Nylen.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t myself but that was uncalled for.”
He huffs but smiles clasping my hand.
“I can’t believe you cut my leg with a dagger.” I shake my head with disbelief.
“It’s a sharp one.”
“But still a dagger.”
“I’d say this is a bit of karma, considering Oceanus.”
“Ah ya. I guess.” I don’t want to talk about almost becoming a amputee like the sea elf. In hindsight he sacrifice a lot to restore my leg..
Then I remember.
“What happened to the egg.”
I points and I see the mess on the ground and the cluster of smaller eggs around it. Everyone starts grabbing them when suddenly a army of giants riding giant Rinos start charging in around us.
“Put back the peices of his eggescenes! We are the kings men and shall put sir humpty together again!”
That’s it. I’m done. Me and Aevlin start walking away as the rest follow. Horace then pauses and to horror horror throws a bolt of lightening at the giant. I’m expecting this to turn bad but instead the way the bolt hit rings odd. There is no singeing or screams of pain. It becomes apparent that Horace has discovered a elaborate illusion. With that settled I’m still set on just leaving this area before anything else happens. Then there’s Kynigos. He begins cracking open the eggs as Aevlin picks one up. Suddenly on his second egg a bust of greenish gas pours out form it and we are left reeling and choking. When the cloud clears the still form of Henchie is revealed.
“Nooo!!” Aevlin screams and Hans casts hold person as Kynigos reaches for another egg. He’s stopped, the chaos ending and I’m tempted to kick him for what he’s caused. She did not deserve to die so soon. Nylen saw a cabin ahead. Best we can do is try and cross the massive chest board to reach that cottage so she can recover from her revival.
——-
Carrying a corpse around isn’t fun. Especially when it comes to trying to battle your way across a massive magic chest board. Cutting our way through lion woman, inbred orc dwarf soldiers, and giant downward tusked elephants. We cut through them and get out no problem but almost leave Henchie corpse behind in the weird magic shuffle happening on the board. We’re so close to the house. For the love of gods please be unoccupied. Walking through the garden it’s monsteriously over grown with massive flower. The flowers are also dicks. As we walk by they begin to speak and start to goad us into violence. We’ve learned this lesson already and promptly ignore them. Im tempted to pluck the gems out of there eyes and rip those colorful gold lined petals off there stems but I was not born yesterday and this place just seems to exist to kill or vex me so I abstain. but we’ve lingered too long in the garden. The flowers start screaming for the bees. Oh god the bees. It started off as one quickly zapped by Horace before we’re stopped by ants with a painful stinging bit. Seems like the pods are still good but then more show up. Then more, then more. Suddenly we have a army attacking us from both the air and the ground and two people have already dropped to the ground. Well s***! I hope that house is bloody close now! I end up expanding, quacking people up and hauling a*** out of there. I snap to my regular size as we reach the door, we all fumble to open the door till Nylen grabs ahold of the door knob and throws ourselves inside. The door slams shirt and cuts off the sound of the angry buzzing and snapping of mandibles. We wait in suspense. Praying that they will go the f*** away. They don’t but when the door isn’t knocked off its hinges and I’m not gored by stingers or torn limb by limbs by giant ants I think it’s safe to say we are safe. Trapped but safe. Now what the hell do we have on our hands here-…. Whoa. The house isn’t what I was expecting. There’s strange metal things on the wall topped with transparent balls that produce light. Crystals? The next room is even more outlandish and weird. There’s stuffed dead animals all over the place in this room, dead bugs behind glass. Thankfully there’s a couch. No beds yet but a couch is getting there. We toss every unconscious person ontop of it. That leaves us with Aevlin, Hans, Horace and Nylen. Well four out of six is good enough. My eyes wonder back to crystal metal thing. Ok I have to have the crystal. I reach for the crystal but it does not move from
It’s metal trap. I pull to no success. Suddenly it’s breaks in my hand and I Yelp pulling the broken fragments of not crystal but sh** glass out of my hand.
“Jaris stop breaking s**!”
“Ya like I f***king like having gos se in my hands right!” I sass Hans back between curses.
We continue exploring till we find a room with draws with got some very nice silver dinner wear. I’ll keep tabs on that s***. Can’t not have nice table wear.
I open a strange metal chest but only find weird rakes suspended in the middle of it.
The next weird object is a tall box radiating cold. I check it for traps but nothing seems threatening besides the omnious cold. My hands shake from anxiety as I open it the light blinds my eyes. I jump to the floor expecting to be blasted by frost and ice but nothing happened. When I crawl back up I find it only has food inside it. Trapped inside strange containers. There’s eggs stuck to the door of the box. Aevlin lifts one of the containers and screams as she drops it on the floor. Revealing a small circular green jingling green
“It’s a gellantenious cube!” She screaming drawing the flaming bastard sword. We all stab at it till it starts to lose it shape but the slices of oranges are still there. Besides that but of interest we next discover a strange room with basins and soaps. Hans is fascinated by one basin that magically fills with water but when you tug on a chain the water goes down into the hole in the middle and magically refills. He proceeds to wash some of his clothes in it before we move on. We find the house owners office. We find a note on the desk apologizing to us that he is out and missed any guests. Turns out it belongs to this Mylind guy and he’s ok with random people entering his house as long as we don’t eat him out of house and home and we take care of the plants and pets. I think the plants could use less care if you ask me. Horace thinks he’s a wizard. Would make sense. Only a wizard could be such a hoarder. You can tell a lot about a man by the stuff he surrounds himself with. I’m alittle nervous with how casually he brings up zygagys and other important names up. We may be dealing with someone far above our pay. To the lower levels of the house we go next. The basement has a strange electrical elemental thing trapped besides a invisible magic wall. We can pratically feel the energy coming off it and try to keep or distance while Horace gets closer. He gets zapped. The next room got strange s*** going on. Pickled and bottled monster parts line the shelves as strange otherworldly devices dot the room. The last room is Aevlins favoriet. We found the wine cellar and there’s actually good vintages here. She’s desperately searching for bottles. I manage to find one but she pounces on it before the words leave my lips. She’s completely wasted by the end of this endeavor.
“Aevlin ,love. It’s time to go up stairs.”
“I’mma fine! Q-quit telling me what to do.”
“I know. Up you go.” I heft her up and let her lean heavily on my as we go back up stairs and up again. Then we find the bed. I try to lead her to the bed but she’s determined. She wants to kick a*** even though she barely looking straight. There’s only one place left to look. The attic. I open the trap door and nearly get killed by the latter coming from it.
I was going to search alone but everyone wanted to come and I can’t talk Aevlin into resting. Hans gone to collect the infirmed on the couch. It turns out I’m extremely lucky that they came with me. The moment I start touching things a ghost materializes.
“You don’t belong here! Get out!” She shrieks, the sound nearly crippling us as a wave of weakness washes over us. We all attack but none of my blades can cut her.
“Well. S***. Time for plan B!” I hold aloft the amulet. It does Jack s***.
“Well we’re f***ed!”
“I’ll get help! Hans!” Aevlin slurs and screams before falling through the trap door. I peer down making sure she’s ok and see her sprawled on the ground thrashing about like a baby deer.
“Haaaaans! There’s a ghost!!! And I think my leg is on backwards!!”
My wife. Still as sexy and insightful as ever. Love her dearly. Shes defiantly going to feel that tomorrow.
I follow after her as Nylen holds off the ghost. By the time we’ve all gotten our gos se in order Nylen has reslained the spook. We find awesome s*** but we call it a day and head to bed. I crawl into bed with Aevlin and immediately she’s already taken over the entire bed, leaving me precariously on the edge. It’s unsurprising when I wake up on the floor in the morning. She’s a mess. The hangover killing her. With the in the fridge I try out a new hangover cure for her. Eggs and pepper sauce.
A tragedy occurred while we were splitting the loot. Horace and backstabbing Kynigos were testing the new wand and Horace accidentally destoryed every magic item Kynigos possessed. Including the manta cloak. I will mourn you my cloak but with you gone now we can finally put the baggage away. He comes crawling back and I offer a deal. I’ll give him a protection ring if he stays the f** out of my bussiness. He takes it and I’ll hold him to it that he keeps it. We spend the rest of the days in the house reoccperating and waiting for Henchie to return to normal again after her resurrection. We shouldn’t have been surprised when the house owner finally returns to his house to find us all playing black Jack at his kitchen table.
“What are you all doing here?!”
“Well we were tired so we-“
“Not that! Your all suppose to be in stridge! Who the blood hells is that.”
“That’s Henchie!” Aevlin tells him.
“No no! This is all wrong! She doesn’t have a history! A real name! Family! And you are all suppose to be in There and not here!”
“Hey we didn’t ask to be here. If you want answers ask The councils of hypocrites.”
“No matter. No matter. I’ll set everything right this instance.”
“Wait what-“
And we’re gone.
I’m suddenly sitting with everyone at a table. In a tavern. In greyhawk again. No Henchie. Aevlins starting to panick and I have to walk her through breathing till suddenly the tavern door chimes. No wait she’s here. She comes through the door with a man behind her.
“Henchie! Your alive!”
“Of course I’m alive lady Aevlin! And my names Loretta!”
“Your names not Loretta! When was it ever Loretta?”
“Oh no you must be drunk again. Surely you remember my brother here.”
I’m lost. Completely confused. Nothing makes sense anymore. The walking contradiction continues speaking.
“Anyway my brother has a message for you.”
The man is then possessed by a wizard or something and informs us of our next quest. When the message is done we all sit there in dumb silence. I stand up, staggering to the bar keep, holding the table for dear life.
“Bar keep! Get me the strongest s*** you have now!”
Jaris